Chapter 16
When she heard the elevator start to move, the muscles throughout her entire body breathed a sigh of relief.
She'd gone to the scene of a murder last night. A scene that had horrified her almost as much as finding Cynthia's body had. She'd discovered that the bloodless body of Elliot Simmons was her latest case. Seeing his small, pale form laying on the dirty, cold floor of the abandoned building had struck her with nauseated disbelief. It had taken several minutes for the initial shock to subside. An aching sadness followed, and then a fearful desperation took over as she went through the motions of her examination. Nick. She had to talk to Nick. But he hadn't accompanied his partner to the crime scene. A very distressed Tracy had told her that he'd taken a personal day. And after assuring the young detective that she'd let Nick know what was going on, Nat tried calling the loft, but all she got was the machine. He didn't answer his pages or cell phone. He had simply vanished.
Two hours of not being able to get a hold of him was all she'd been able to stand. Her lunch break was spent running to the loft to see if he was simply ignoring the phone. The place had been empty. As she'd stood in the quiet stillness of the loft, an intuitive flutter in the pit of her stomach told Natalie that Nick already knew what had happened to Elliot. From that moment on, the frightening possibility that she would never see Nick again had her coiled tight as a spring. Disappearing was one of his fortes, and after what happened last night, she already knew what was probably going through his mind.
She stopped pacing and turned to face the door, her heart about to beat its way out of her chest. He's here. Thank God.
Now, it appeared, she would get the chance to talk him out of what she was certain he was contemplating. She prayed that she could. He could be so damn stubborn sometimes. But more important than his pigheadedness was the plain, simple fact that a life without him in it was unthinkable. She couldn't let him walk away from everything. She wouldn't let him off the hook easily this time. After Schanke's death, she'd been so shocked and angered by his unwillingness to confide in her that she'd been ready to let him go without much of a fight. But not this time. Not by a long shot. She'd had the opportunity to examine her feelings for him very closely over the last year. What happened between them during the Jerry Show investigation and Nick's memory loss had helped to cement the love she'd held for him since the moment she touched his icy cheek six years ago in the morgue. She couldn't let him walk out of her life, and away from all they were trying to accomplish. She couldn't and she wouldn't.
The door slid open, and Natalie's breath caught in her throat as Nick entered the room. To say he looked dreadful would have been an understatement. The wet snow that had fallen through the night had soaked him to the skin, and the phrase 'drowned rat' flashed through her head. The familiar black coat hung heavily on his stooped shoulders, weighed down by the moisture it held. His hair was a dark-blond cape plastered to his head, save for a few stubborn curls that made their presence known here and there.
And then there was his face. His beautiful, angelic face. It was now marred by the remnants of tears still clinging to his cheeks, the taletell crimson offering the only color on an otherwise porcelain complexion. There was also a deep pain etched across his brow, the intensity of which distorted the handsome features into a grim mask.
Natalie found it hard to stifle a groan of anguished sympathy as she took stock of the personage standing before her. For not only was the sight of his physical presence distressing, but the utter desolation she saw in his eyes tore savagely at her heart. The resigned defeat she read in his sad face only added credence to her conclusions. He was ready to give up.
When his mournful gaze finally met hers, she felt tears for him sting her eyes. God, she wanted to help him, comfort him. She took a silent step toward him in her need to soothe his pain, but something entered his eyes that warned her to stay away--a sudden hardness that told her no. She knew the look. She'd seen it several times before. Its appearance now made her heart grow even heavier with the despair that threatened to engulf it. He was ready to push everyone away, not let anyone near him. It was his defense mechanism, she knew. A defense for both himself and the mortals around him. But if she let him succeed this time, she would lose him forever. He would disappear from her life, and she would never see him again.
No. She refused to consider the possibility.
Ignoring his warning, she ventured another step toward him. A sympathetic hand reached out to him when she whispered. "Oh, Nick. I'm so very sorry."
"He's dead, Nat." Nick's voice wavered as he seemed to be fighting the return of his tears. A strangled second of silence and he continued, the hard anger returning to his manner. "And I killed him."
She looked on with stunned incredulity as Nick pulled off his coat and threw it on the back of a kitchen chair, the force of his rage almost sending the chair crashing to the floor. Hearing him admit to Elliot's murder shook her for a moment, but she knew it wasn't true. She was sure he blamed himself for the child's death, but he hadn't killed him.
"No, Nick." Nat faltered when the vampire pinned her with a steely look of menacing skepticism, but she didn't let it deter her. She wasn't about to allow Nick to frighten or intimidate her. Playing into his hands was not going to get her anywhere. "Yes...a vampire killed him, but I don't believe for one second that it was you."
The attempt to hide the fang marks on Elliot's neck might have fooled another coroner, but she'd seen past the cut and recognized the telling wounds. When she had identified what had killed the boy, her conversation with Nick a few mornings ago had resurfaced. She'd been convinced that she knew which particular vampire had committed the atrocity. "Antonio killed Elliot, didn't he?"
Hardened blue eyes dropped to the floor before closing. Natalie watched a grave hopelessness soften Nick's expression as he nodded. "Yes, Antonio killed Elliot." A few ticks of stillness and his eyes sprang open. Nat saw the anger wash back into his face. "But I could have stopped him." His voice brimmed with a palpable disgust. "I failed to do what I knew needed to be done, and Elliot died as a result. I killed him. I killed him!"
"No!" The forceful word erupted from Natalie as she took another step forward, a faint hysteria slipping into her voice. She had to put a stop this destructive thinking. She had to make him realize, to make him see, that this was not his fault. She didn't know how she was going to do it. She just knew it had to be done. Pushing against the fear that started to trickle into her mind, she continued. "Damn it, Nick. Don't do this to yourself. You did not kill Elliot. You're no more responsible for his death than I am."
"No?" The response was little more than a sneer as Nick stalked past her and stopped in front of the refrigerator. His hand on the door, he looked into her face. "If I'd destroyed Fisher when I had the chance, this never would have happened. If I hadn't left Elliot alone last night, this never would have happened. If I hadn't chosen to become a friend of Jacob and his family, this never would have happened." He paused for a moment, a harsh light of realization coming into his eyes. "When I think about it, I guess that's when I really screwed up. When I thought myself worthy of another mortal friendship." His eyes narrowed as he continued the caustic accusations. "How many more people will have to die before I learn my lesson? Humans in my orbit die, Natalie. Mortals that I get close to don't have a chance. That's the way it's been for eight hundred years, and it'll be that way for eight hundred more."
"No!" Nat fiercely denied his declarations. He was wrong. She had to convince him that he was terribly wrong.
With a heavy heart, she watched him pull open the door and retrieve a bottle. He raised it in the air in a bitter salute, and she noticed the identifying label. It was from the Raven. It was human. The descent had begun.
"Here's to not trying to be something you aren't! To staying with one's own kind! To my family...the vampires! The prodigal son returns!" He brought the blood to his lips and drank deeply, all but finishing the already half-empty bottle.
The malignant words sent a chilling shudder through Natalie. She looked on in numbed horror as Nick lowered the blood from his mouth. The eyes she gazed into now were no longer the familiar, beautiful blue--no longer human. Although she fought against it, the golden hue that filled his eyes scared the hell out of her. So, too, did the points of his extended canines as they peeked out from beneath his embittered smile. She'd seen the vampire in Nick several times, but never before had he looked more foreign to her than he did at this very moment. Even after the demon, the yellow look he'd given her had not affected her in quite this way. She felt her pulse begin to beat a little faster as a stifling apprehension began to worm its way into her mind.
"Yes, Natalie." His voice was something akin to a low, predatory growl, and Nat took an involuntary step backward. An unwanted panic spread through her as she listened to him go on. "You can't deny it. And I can no longer fight it. This is what I am. A beast. A killer. Evil. Do you want to be another victim of this evil, Natalie? If I stay, you surely will be."
Natalie stared into the questioning eyes of the vampire, an icy hand clutching at her insides as she understood what he was saying to her. Was she in danger? The way she felt right now made her want to run as fast as her feet would carry her. Would she someday become another victim of a vampire's bloodlust? Would she become the victim of this vampire's bloodlust?
Snap out of it, Lambert! You're letting him get to you.
Unconsciously, she shook her head, her eyes still locked on Nick. She was falling into his trap. She was letting him win. And in doing so, she was letting him go. Nick would never hurt her. She believed that with every thread of iron will she possessed.
'If I stay....' The words echoed in her head. She'd been right. He was going to walk away, leave her.
By God, no he isn't!
Even as she looked into the preternatural face before her and felt her heart pound with the fear the being stirred inside her, the love Natalie held for this tortured soul forced its way to the surface. Through the murkiness of the misgivings, her tender feelings shown brightly, a beacon guiding her away from the darkly dangerous pit of despair. Her stubborn refusal to let go of those feelings gave her the courage to do battle. Her need to fight for him pushed aside her sudden mistrust of him. In its place settled a calming determination.
She smiled, and experienced a twinge of triumph when she saw a disbelieving flinch cross Nick's face. "I can deny everything, Nick. You're not a beast. You're not evil."
"And a killer?" He shot back.
"Yes. You were a killer. It's a sin of the past. One that can be forgiven. You don't kill now, and you didn't kill Elliot. What happened to him wasn't your fault."
For a brief moment she thought her words had started to break through Nick's wall of self-loathing and anger. The harsh lines of rage faded from his face, and a subtle confusion entered his still golden eyes. A sigh escaped Natalie as she watched those eyes fall shut in what appeared to be a silent surrender. Now maybe he would begin to listen to her.
Making up the ground she'd relinquished only minutes earlier, Nat took several steps forward. She had a sudden, desperate need to put her arms around him. But as she closed the gap between them, Nick's attention focused on her once again. His eyes remained the golden color of a vampire, and the sharp edge returned to his features. She froze in her tracks, another wave of grief threatening to overtake her. She hadn't broken through the barrier. She hadn't even made a dent.
"You just don't get it, do you?" The quiet, velvet voice dripped with piercing ridicule. "I am death."
She nearly jumped out of her skin when, in the next instant, Nick sent the bottle in his hand flying across the room. It shattered against the fireplace. Natalie's startled eyes followed the bottle to see its remaining contents trickle down the wooden surface.
Then, Nick moved. Her attention was torn from the fireplace when she felt his hands grip her upper arms. Wide-eyed, she looked back at the creature who held her captive. Now, only inches from the stern, preternatural face, the yellow eyes bore into hers, challenging her to look away. A wicked grin revealed the tips of his fangs as he pulled her close and hissed, "How does it feel to be held by death, Natalie?"
How did it feel? God, she didn't know. All kinds of emotions were rushing through her at the moment, some of which didn't make any sense at all. The unnatural coolness of his body radiated through his damp clothing as she rested up against him, and through the returning unease, she felt an impulsive craving. His threatening nearness brought back that earlier desire to run, but it also stirred the longing, the need. It was crazy, she knew. Her reaction to this aggressiveness should have been one of pure terror, but not so. The feel of him aroused a yearning that her love for him refused to keep dormant. Closing her eyes, she beat back the conflicting emotions of panic and desire that assaulted her.
The touch of his lips on her neck drew a quiet, strained gasp from Natalie, her body involuntarily tensing with the dangerously sensual contact. Her eyes popped open to see Nick raise his head. He looked into her face, the challenge still reflected in his eyes. She held her breath when again he lowered his head, his mouth coming within a hair's width of her ear. His voice took on a soft, almost seductive, quality. "How does it feel to look into the face of death? Are you scared out of your wits? Do you want to run?" Again, he looked into her face. "You should, you know. Get as far away from me as possible. Save yourself."
With the last words, she saw it. The crack. A minuscule, but heartening, break in the wall. A fleeting spark of agony had found its way into his golden eyes as he warned her away, and she drew strength from it. Her courage returned.
"Death? I don't see death, Nick. I see pain...so much pain." Lifting a hand, she gently slid it down a crimson-stained cheek. She was encouraged when she saw his eyes close at her touch. "I see sorrow. A deep, heart-breaking sorrow." She heard him draw a sharp breath when her hand moved to run a soft finger over his brow. "And anger. I see a misguided anger. A raging self-hatred that has the power to destroy. But I won't let you, Nick. This was not your fault." Her hand came to rest under his chin. "No matter what you do, how much you try to frighten me for my own good, I'll never believe in anything but the goodness I know to be inside you."
With a tortured groan, he abruptly dropped his hands from her arms, the wall all at once crumbling before her eyes. Misery flooded his eyes as quickly as the yellow color left them. "You don't understand, Natalie." Turning, he walked to stand in front of the fireplace. "I'm gone. I'm outta here. For everyone's sake, I've got to leave."
There, he'd finally said it. He was running away. His first instinctual reaction to the pain he thought he'd caused. Oh, he believed he was doing everyone a favor, removing his evil influence, but he was still running. And anyway, his leaving was no favor. It was a cheat, a desertion. The hurt blossomed into a prickly anger while Natalie dwelled on his intention to abandon his life in Toronto.
"For everyone's sake?" she repeated, a flicker of the irritation touching her voice. "What about Jacob and Elizabeth, Nick? What about their sake? You're their friend. Are you going to leave them when they need you most?" Joining him at the fireplace, she stood at his side looking up at his sad profile. "Well? Are you?"
The mention of Elliot's parents seemed to stun Nick for a moment. He stood motionless, as if petrified, his eyes locked on the dark hearth. It was almost as if he'd forgotten about them, so lost was he in his own world of torment. Hearing their names seemed to stop his train of thought, as the recognition of their loss and devastation hit him. Nat watched what appeared to be a battle of confused loyalties play out on Nick's face while he considered her challenge and decided how to answer her.
The conflict of will didn't last long when, after several seconds, he glared down at her and scoffed, "Need me? I'm the reason for their pain, Natalie. How can I help them when I know, if not for me, their son would still be alive? I got too close to them, and they suffered for it. The best thing I can do for them is to stay out of their lives."
"Bull! That's a bunch of bull, Nick!" Nat let her growing frustration surge forward. She just couldn't help it. He could be so intolerably pig-headed.
Unfortunately, her outburst didn't appear to have much effect on him. He still stared down on her with that granite look of all-knowing defiance. In his eyes he was guilty, and nothing she could say would change his mind or make him stay.
Taking a deep breath, she silently counted to ten. She made a supreme effort to knock the volume of her anger down a few notches, while trying to quell her fear and summon her conviction. He was not going to leave. He was not going to leave! Slowly, she placed an unsure hand on his arm. He allowed the contact, and she breathed a hushed sigh before going on. "The best thing you can do for them is be their friend. This is not your fault. They don't need your misguided self-hatred, Nick. They need you. Your friendship. Your support. Your love. Don't deny them this comfort, Nick. They need it. God...do they need it."
Her last pitying words must have struck a chord. Nick turned to completely face Natalie, a tormented realization haunting his eyes. "You've seen them?"
"Yes," was all she could manage as the unwanted memory from earlier that night became fresh once again. It was a recollection that she didn't want to repeat as Jacob refused to believe her identification and insisted on seeing the body himself. His scream of denial would hound her dreams for a very long time to come, while the excruciating horror on Elizabeth's face would continue to break her heart. Even now the pictures brought a moisture to Nat's eyes. "Yes, Nick," she repeated, her voice husky with the unshed tears. "I saw them when they came down to identify the body. I can't describe to you the agony I saw on both their faces. Devastation doesn't even begin to cover it."
Nick's mouth tightened into a pained frown as he closed his eyes against her heart-wrenching words. Clearly, this was not something he wanted to hear. But he had to hear it. He had to be made to understand that he was needed...here. That he could help, not hurt.
Turning away from Natalie again, Nick looked back into the cold fireplace, the forceful, saddening recognition visible on his face. It was as if she'd put before him something he had pushed aside. Something he'd avoided dealing with. Now, he was coerced into facing it again, and his ability to deal with the stark reality looked as if it were on the shakiest of ground. No doubt because it was too painful for him to think about what he'd done to his two friends' lives. At least, what he perceived he'd done to their lives. It was a burden he didn't seem prepared to carry, not after everything else he'd gone through in the last several months.
Nat couldn't stop the trembling that started somewhere deep inside her. Was this the straw that would finally break the camel's back?
"Nick?" She squeezed his arm. "They're hurting. They need you. You didn't do this to them. You can help them, but you've got to stick around in order to do it. You can't run away."
"But I can't stay, Natalie." His defeated sigh tugged at Nat's heart. Breaking their contact, he moved to stand behind a black leather chair, putting some distance, and a barrier, between them, his eyes again lost in the emptiness of the fireplace.
The separation was more than physical. Natalie could feel it. Nick was pulling away from her emotionally as well. Like a sheer curtain of frost, she felt a guarded coolness fall between them. He was starting to repair the wall of protection, preparing once more to cut himself off from the humans around him.
It was all she could do to keep the tears of pain from her eyes as he continued. "I did do this to them." Nick turned his head to look back at Natalie, an unforgiving anger burning in his eyes. "I brought them into contact with things that never should have touched their lives. Evil things. And after having done that, I failed to protect them from that evil."
"A vampire's evil? Your evil?" Natalie used her impatience with Nick's stubbornness to stifle the sadness that threatened to swallow her. "I don't believe that, Nick. Oh, an evil vampire did kill Elliot, but I don't believe that because he is a vampire, he is evil. Antonio is--"
"Was." Nick interrupted her as his eyes fell to an unseen spot on the floor. "Antonio was...."
"He's dead?" Natalie quietly asked for an unnecessary clarification. She hadn't known how Nick had found Elliot or if he'd even seen Antonio. Apparently, he'd discovered the other vampire when he'd located the child. She could only imagine the rage that must have consumed Nick when he'd discovered the murdered boy. It would seem he had avenged Elliot's death, and rid the city of Antonio's dark shadow. A lightening relief blanketed her mind for a moment as she comprehended what Nick was telling her.
"I don't really know. I destroyed the body, but.... For now at least, he's dead. I was too late to save Elliot, but I killed Caproni." There was no satisfaction in his voice, no triumph for having eliminated the malignant threat. There was only hurt and disappointment when he'd said Elliot's name. "I staked Andrew with the flute and threw the body into a vat of molten steel."
The bitterness that crept into Nick's voice bit sharply into Nat's nerves. But her uncomfortable reaction to the acid in his tone was overshadowed by a profound grief as she learned what happened to the flute. Its destruction, along with the way it was destroyed, hit her hard because of the vanquished dream it represented. Or perhaps more accurately, the complete and total extinction of a dream. Not only was Elliot dead, but the instrument that had represented so much promise and hope for the future was also destroyed, used as a weapon, soiled by death. Another dream shattered. Another hope trampled. Another reason to give up and walk away.
"The flute? Oh, Nick...." Again Natalie's tears were dangerously close to falling.
"Yeah." Nick's caustic bark of laughter sent an icy finger up her backbone. Raising his eyes from the floor, he looked into her face, a cynical smile on his lips. "Philip would be pleased, wouldn't he? If he knew what had become of his precious work?"
"Nick, don't. Please don't." She ventured a few steps forward, the need to comfort him pushing her closer. "Your bitterness isn't going to do anybody any good."
"No? Then tell me, Nat...what will do everybody some good? You don't seem to think that my leaving is the answer, so what then?"
"Time." It sounded very simple and very unoriginal, but she knew it to be true. Nothing would lessen the pain and disillusionment like time. Trying an encouraging smile, she moved another step forward. "You've just got to give it time. You know that better than anyone."
"Time?" Another short, sarcastic laugh. "How quaint. How cliched." Stepping around the chair, Nick walked up to stand no more than a foot in front of Natalie, his challenging stance sending one more shard of fear slicing through her. "How much time, Natalie? A day? A year? A century?" He shook his head, his piercing blue gaze locked with hers. "These wounds will never heal."
Pulling her courage up by the bootstraps, Nat did battle with Nick's intimidating posture. He was pushing again, but she wasn't going to be pushed. Instead, she reached out to him and cupped a tender hand on his cheek. The contact seemed to undermine his shield of malice, and she watched his steely features soften, the anger giving way to pain and need. She wasn't sure, but she thought she felt him lean into her caress as she started to speak. "Fresh wounds never feel as though they're going to heal. Like I said, it takes time."
Taking her hand from his face, Nick cradled it between both of his. The gesture was gentle, comforting. Natalie felt her pulse jump, an encouraged thrill racing through her. But, even though his anger appeared to have faded somewhat, his next words were anything but encouraging. "Well, time might be the answer, but it will be time spent away from here. It has to be."
No! The rejection screamed in Natalie's head while she searched frantically for something else to say to him to get him to change his mind. She refused to give up. She truly believed that if he would just give himself some time....
"A month, Nick." She blurted out the words without a second thought as a challenge of her own making sprang into her mind. She prayed with all the faith she possessed that he would take her up on it. "Give me one month. That's all I ask. Can you spare a friend that much time?" She watched a confusion cloud Nick's eyes. "All I'm asking you to do is stay, nothing more. Just stay in Toronto and be Detective Nicholas Knight for one more month. To someone who has all the time in the world, surely a month won't be too much of a hardship? Stay, reflect, and heal. If, after that time you still feel the same way, I won't ask anything more of you. If you still feel the need to leave, I won't try to stop you. But, please, give me this time. Please."
Shaking his head, he dropped her hand and walked to stand behind the couch. More distance. Another barrier. Natalie's breath all but deserted her as she waited for his response. Finally, after several, inordinately long seconds, he looked into her hopeful face, a sad resolve reflected in his eyes. "Nat, what I do, I do for your protection as well as everyone else's. Can't you see that? I don't want to hurt you or anyone else. Leaving is the best thing for me to do."
"No, it isn't," she insisted, her own stubborn streak widening by the minute. "And you'll never convince me otherwise, so don't waste your breath."
They stood silently for a moment. Natalie waited for Nick's rejoinder, but he didn't appear at all eager to try to change her mind. And while they considered each other in those silent seconds, she decided to confront his decision to leave with a question that suddenly occurred to her. "And when you leave...? When you get to your next destination? What then, Nick? It'll start all over again, won't it? New mortals...new friends."
"No!" Running a violent hand through his hair, he pulled his eyes from her and strode back over to the fireplace. "Not this time." Once again, he glared into the lifeless grate. "I've learned my lesson only too well. Mortals won't play such a big part in my life. They can't, for their own safety."
His quick, forceful answer took Natalie aback. She wasn't sure why it surprised her so much though. With his mind in the state it was now, the grief and self-condemnation running rampant, it was his nature to want to retreat, to pull himself back from those he thought he threatened. She supposed it was the powerful, unwavering finality with which he said it that got to her. He truly sounded as if he had no intention of ever getting close to humans again. The very idea frightened her to death.
She tried reasoning with him, her need to change his mind driving her onward. "You can't cut yourself off completely, Nick. It's not possible."
Slowly, he moved his head from side to side while he continued to focus on the dark surface in the hearth. "Not completely, but I can keep my distance."
"But...you'll be so alone." Natalie's voice was barely audible, but she knew he could hear her. His distance. She was already beginning to experience what that meant as she felt the space between them grow with each second that ticked past. It appeared as though he wasn't going to wait until he moved on to begin the separation. The realization was a cold splinter of misery cutting through her shaky composure.
"No, not alone." He finally looked back at her. A defeated sadness shaded his eyes, while the rigid set of his jaw gave strength to his disturbing words. "I'll always have my eternal family. I can become a part of their lives again without being a threat to them. Maybe that, too, is for the best."
The remaining grain of Natalie's hope began to dissolve upon hearing this declaration. LaCroix. He would return to LaCroix. And Janette?
"And what about your search for a cure? Has the desire to be mortal died with Elliot?" It was a question she was afraid she already knew the answer to, but she had to hear it from him. Against her will, a single tear of defeat slipped down her cheek.
"My search? I...I don't know." He moved his eyes away from Natalie's face, as if unable to look at the devastation he saw there. He seemed to concentrate on some unknown point above her head while he attempted to explain himself. "I'm tired of searching and never finding. A cure seems suddenly impossible right now. I'll always have to depend on mortals for the pursuit and I don't think I can do that anymore. I can't get that close to them anymore. I can't condemn them anymore."
Even as he appeared set in his course, Natalie refused to surrender her hope. Wiping the unwanted tear from her cheek, she stubbornly issued her challenge again. "A month, Nick. I'm still asking for that month. All I want is for you to stay, nothing more. No protein drinks. No blood tests. No lectures. I'm offering a friendly ear and a warm shoulder, and asking for a little time in return."
"I...I can't." Nick looked back into Natalie's face and she was pleased to see genuine uncertainty in his solemn features. He was struggling. She was glad he was struggling. It gave her hope.
"Please don't make me beg, Nick." Although she supposed she'd just done that very thing. But it didn't matter, not really. She wanted him to stay. She needed him to stay. "One month. Am I really asking for so much?"
There was another long silence as Nick's confused gaze bore into Nat's. He was still fighting, still struggling, still uncertain. She thought she saw the harsh reflection in his eyes soften a bit before he closed them and sighed. It was an exhausted sound, a yielding sound. And again Natalie's optimism found a new breath of life. Perhaps he would surrender to her this one last wish. Please.
"No, Nat." Nick's eyes opened as he slowly shook is head. "I don't want you to beg. I'd never want you to beg." Pushing his hands into the pockets of his pants, he eased some of Natalie's pain and worry. "All right." His voice held a note of weary resignation. "I'll stay for one month. Because you asked me to. But I can't promise you anything else."
The relief that poured over Nat almost sent her to her knees with its intensity. His last words of discouragement, however, tempered the joy she felt at his agreement to stay. She knew she was, more than likely, only postponing the inevitable, but at this point she didn't care. He would stay for a month. And in that time, maybe, they could loosen the grip of sadness and defeat that held him so tightly.
"Thank you." The grateful reply came from Natalie in the form of a satisfied sigh. Joining Nick at the fireplace, she faced him with a sad smile. That dissolving grain of hope was not completely gone. She grabbed it and held on for dear life. Right now, it was all she had. "You won't regret this, Nick. It'll be all right."
Holding her gaze with a concentrated steadiness, Nick's doubt echoed in his chilly voice. "I hope you don't end up regretting it, Natalie. Just like Jacob and Elizabeth should regret the day they ever set eyes on me."
God, but he was bullheaded. This was not going to be easy. Removing the blinders was going to be nothing if not a steep, uphill climb. If it could be done at all. She had one month, and then he would leave her life forever if she couldn't change his mind. But would he let her close enough to try? His cool tone and retreating posture made her wonder if she would even have a chance.
She paused a moment to consider his last statement. Regret his entrance into her life? No. Never. She remembered that fateful night in the morgue with precious wonder. It was the most exciting thing that had ever happened to her. This amazing being had stumbled into her life, and she had found love. No one could regret that, surely.
Reaching out to him again, her hand once more found his tear-stained cheek. She felt him tense with the contact, but he didn't pull away. "I'll never regret having you in my life, Nick. Never. And Jacob and Elizabeth have no reason for regrets either. I'll say it again, and I'll keep on saying it until it sinks into that thick skull of yours. This was not your fault. Beth and Jacob need you. They'll be thankful for your support. You can help them get through this tragedy."
Taking a step back, Nick moved away from Natalie's touch, a deep frown tugging at his mouth. When he spoke, Nat heard the subtle fear that tainted his voice. "I don't know if I can face them again. I just don't know."
"Yes, you can. You can. You must. You know as well as I do that if you don't go to them it would be one more hurt piled on top of their already unbearable pain. They won't understand, Nick. You know that."
The truth of her words didn't seem to be lost on him. Running another impatient hand through his hair, Nick turned away from her with a disturbed groan. Even with his back to her, Natalie could sense the thick tension that contracted his every muscle. The battle continued to rage within him. Without turning around to face her, Nick accepted Natalie's logic. "You're right. They wouldn't understand. But doing right by them and doing what is best for them are two very different things. If I do what's right...stay and be their friend, I leave the door open for more pain. If I do what's best for them...get out of their lives, I close that door...protect them from the pain."
"But you just can't slam that door in their faces, Nick. Leave them hanging without an explanation. You need to be there for them...now more than ever."
Turning around slowly, Nick's eyes settled on Natalie once again, the sad frown etching deeper into his features. "I know, Nat. I know. I promised you that I'd stay and be Detective Nicholas Knight for one month. Well, part of being Nicholas Knight is being a friend to the Simmons family. It's just going to be very hard to look them in the eye after what's happened."
"Elliot's death wasn't your fault." Natalie whispered again, and she silently wondered how many times she was going to have to repeat it. She admitted that she'd say it 1000 times a day, if that's what it took to get him to believe it.
"Elliot." The quiet misery in Nick's voice as he spoke the child's name pulled at Nat's heartstrings. The depth of his desolate pain was all wrapped up in that single, regret-filled plea. She watched through a hazy pain of her own as he closed his eyes, and a solitary, red tear slid down his cheek.
"I'm so sorry, Nick."
Just as Natalie choked out the sympathy, Nick's cell phone began to ring. He stood motionless, his eyes still closed, seemingly unaware of the beckoning sound. He was ignoring it, just like she knew he'd ignored all of her attempts to get hold of him throughout the previous night. Or maybe...he really didn't hear it, so lost was he in the agonizing abyss.
"Nick? Nick?" Natalie put a hand on his arm and gave a gentle squeeze. His eyes opened, and she saw the question there. "Your phone. Don't you think you ought to talk to someone? Let them know where you are?"
It was probably Tracy or Captain Reese, Nat surmised. They both knew what had happened, but neither one knew if Nick was aware of what had happened. Natalie hadn't had the opportunity to tell anybody that she'd found Nick. His partner and his boss were bound to be worried.
With the stilted movement of a robot from some old science fiction movie, Nick blindly wiped the tear away and reached for the phone. His voice was husky with emotion when he answered the call. "Knight." Rubbing his eyes again, he paused to listen to the caller. "Yeah, Trace, I'm fine. Yes, Nat found me. She's with me now. She told me what happened." Another silence while he stared down at the floor. "Thanks, Tracy. Okay. Good-bye." His eyes fell to the phone in his hand. Again a long pause as he seemed oddly frightened by the modern contraption in his grip. "I should talk to Jacob and Beth."
Right after he finished the statement, the phone began to ring again. Nick flinched slightly at the sound.
The intuitive flutter in the pit of Nat's stomach returned. She somehow knew that Jacob was on the other end of the line. And from the tentative, almost horrified, look on Nick's face, she knew that he had the same suspicion.
The phone rang three more times before Nick took a deep breath and opened it. "Hello." Natalie watched him close his eyes as he listened, his face clouding with pain. "Jacob...I...I'm-- Oh God...Jacob, I'm so sorry. I didn't find him in time. I'm so sorry." One more red tear slipped from his eye.
As she saw the emotion slowly roll down Nick's cheek, Natalie's hold on his arm tightened. She didn't know what else to do to convey her support for him, what else he would allow her to do. She wanted to hold him, put her arms around him, and tell him that everything was going to be all right. But...was it? Would everything really be all right again?
With his eyes still closed, Nick seemed to suddenly harness his failing composure as he listened to Jacob. Nat felt the muscles in his arm harden under her hand, as he appeared to be gathering his strength around him. There was an abrupt change in his body posture. It was as if he were steeling himself against something. And with this observation, Natalie once more recognized that the wall was well on its way to being reconstructed right before her eyes. The hard tension in his body made it seem as though he were silently rejecting everything he was hearing from Jacob, refusing to believe what he heard, stubbornly resisting any sympathy that may be offered him.
Natalie could only imagine the words of solace the professor was surely saying to Nick, but she didn't have to imagine his rejection of those words. She could see it, feel it. Even words from Jacob didn't seem to offer Nick any comfort. If anything they were having the opposite effect. He wasn't going to let himself off the hook that easily.
Clearing his throat, Nick finally spoke again, his manner still uncertain. "I-- Yes, I'll see you tonight. Kiss Beth for me. I...I'm so sorry, Jacob. Good-bye."
He lowered the phone from his ear, but made no move to close it or turn it off, his eyes still blocking out the world around him.
Nat remained quiet, not wanting to disturb him while he digested the call. But as the dial tone hummed softly in the silence of the loft, the unease began to creep back into her mind. She remembered the creature that had held her a few moments ago, and wondered what his reaction to the phone call would be.
She took a startled step backward when Nick finally moved. Opening his eyes, he quickly snapped the phone shut and pushed it into a blazer pocket. Then, pulling away from her hold on him, he took a deep breath. It was a cold, detached sound, and Natalie felt a shiver of dread shoot up her spine as Nick spoke. "He didn't sound like himself. He sounded so...far away. So...distant. So...hurt." Nick's eyes fell to the floor.
Just like you. Nat couldn't help but silently note.
He stared blindly at some obscure area on the rug and appeared unwilling to offer anything more, so Natalie decided to give him a tiny push. "Does he seem to be holding up okay? I was very worried about both of them last night."
"Holding up?" The question was barely audible, Nick's eyes never leaving the rug. "Holding up? Ah...as well as can be expected, I guess. I really couldn't tell. He seemed...a little numb." Pausing a second, he whispered again. "Numb."
Just like you. The thought replayed in Natalie's head.
She stood silently for a few seconds, and witnessed the paralysis tighten its grasp on Nick before allowing her deep need to comfort him to resurface. "Nick...Nick, I can stay today if you want me to. Actually, I really think I should stay. We can talk. Or if you want to try to get some rest, I can stretch out on the couch. I just don't want you to be alone."
Her suggestion appeared to pull him out of his stupor. Lifting his eyes, he looked into her face as he shook his head, the frosty, unforgiving line of his jaw telling her all she needed to know. Nonetheless, he emphasized his rejection with one word. "No."
"But, Nick I think I should stay. I--"
"No, Nat!" His thunderous voice made her start, a fresh sliver of fear and disappointment stabbing at her heart as he continued. "I don't wa-- I don't need you here." His voice softened a little. "Please, Nat. I'll...I'll be fine."
His last statement was tinged with an encouraging note, but it didn't fool Natalie. It did, however, serve to calm her reawakened fear.
He wasn't going to be fine. But...she should have known better than to push him too hard. With things the way they were right now, it could be a dangerous mistake. She'd been stupid to try and insist he let her stay. But she was so concerned about him, and wanted so badly to try and ease his pain that she hadn't thought. Thinking didn't seem to be something she could do very clearly at this particular moment. All she could do was feel. Feel for the man that she loved. A man who had one foot out of the door of her life, and expected her to hold it open for him while he walked through it. Well, not without a fight. But it was a fight in which she would have to choose her battles carefully. This battle, unfortunately, had been lost. The new wall was almost intact. She was going to have to find a way of smashing it to pieces again. She had one month.
"All right, Nick. I guess I'd better head home then." Her effort to keep the sad defeat out of her voice was a miserable failure.
Walking back into the kitchen, she was painfully aware of Nick's solemn gaze on her every step. He made no effort to join her, but his haunted eyes never left her. What was he thinking?
She pulled her coat from a chair and put it on. As she turned to move to the door, she remembered something she needed to tell Nick. "Ah--" She met his granite stare, and swallowed hard before continuing. "Vachon and Urs stopped by earlier, before you got back. They wanted to let you know that they didn't have any luck finding Elliot. I told them what happened. Well...part of what happened. They wanted me to tell you how sorry they are for your loss."
The steely blue softened a bit with the news, and a weak smile touched his lips. "Thanks, Nat. Thanks for everything."
"You're welcome, Nick. Anything you need. Anything. Just ask. Please, Nick. Let me help you. Please." An unwanted note of desperation found its way into her voice. She hoped he didn't notice it.
Seemingly unable to hold her gaze, Nick concentrated on the collar of her coat. "I'm not sure I can be helped, Natalie. I'm not even sure if I want help anymore. It's too dangerous." He looked up into her face again. "I'm not sure if it's worth it. I'm not sure if I'm worth it."
Oh, God! Natalie's mind and heart screamed with the horrifying anguish of what she'd just heard. She supposed she should be angry with him for his attitude, but her fear of what was happening to him was such that the frustration never made it to the surface. How could she possibly leave him like this? Forgetting about her intention to leave, she took a step toward him. "Nick, don't do this. Please."
"It's getting late, Nat." Nick shoved his hands into his pants pockets and slid a sideways glance at the door. He would hear no more today. "You need your rest. I think you'd better get home. I'll see you tonight."
His negative, icy tone threatened to steal from her that small grain of hope on to which she clung so precariously, but she refused to give it up. This wasn't over. Not by any stretch of the imagination. Straightening her shoulders, she bowed her head in agreement. "Okay, Nick. I'll see you tonight." Without another look in his direction, she escaped into the elevator.
End Chapter 16