Chapter 13
Natalie sat back on the couch and looked incredulously at Nick. She'd asked for it. Correction. She'd begged for it. And boy did she get it.
When Nick had returned to the precinct from his errand earlier that night, he'd been preoccupied, according to Tracy. God knew that in and of itself wasn't out of the ordinary. But the preoccupation had gone further than was usual, and Tracy had noticed it at once upon his return. After Nick had bitten her head off a couple of times, she'd sneaked off to call Natalie and ask her to try and find out what the trouble was. As Trace had said at the time, "Nick ain't gonna tell me anything, Nat. You've got a way with him. Maybe you can 'soothe the savage beast.' He wasn't bad until he came back from wherever it was he went. I tried to find out where he'd gone, but got put in my place for my trouble. I don't know what it is, but somethin's really got him bugged tonight."
'Somethin' was right. A real doozy of a somethin'.
After her talk with Tracy, Natalie just happened to pop into the precinct around the end of the shift. At first, Nick had refused to discuss his mood with her. Well, actually, the first thing he'd done was to deny that anything was wrong. It wasn't until after she'd told him he was full of it that he'd refused to discuss it with her. But she'd been determined. She hadn't been prepared to let him get away with it this time. Something deep inside warned her that whatever was bothering him tonight was something she needed to be a part of, and she couldn't leave it alone. His behavior was just more evidence of his slipping away from her, and she would fight it every step of the way, with all the strength she could muster.
Finally, after a few hard-boiled words about his back-sliding, he'd guiltily, and more than a little reluctantly, agreed to talk to her. She knew she'd pushed awfully hard, but she couldn't let him retreat any further into himself. She breathed a sigh of relief when, instead of pushing back and telling her to get lost, he'd relented.
So here they were in Nick's loft. She'd just been told one of the most incredible things she'd ever heard. And that was saying a lot. Considering all of the incredible things she'd learned about vampires over the last six years. Beginning with the fact that they existed at all.
But possession of one vampire by the spirit of another vampire? This was a bit 'out there' even by normal vampire standards. Nat grinned to herself. Normal vampire standards? Yeah, right.
"I told you you wouldn't believe it." Nick pulled himself from the black leather chair and stalked to the fireplace.
Natalie closed her eyes and took a frustrated breath. She knew she hadn't been able to keep the skepticism out of her expression and silently scolded herself for it. She'd finally gotten Nick to confide in her. The last thing she wanted was for him to think that she didn't believe him. Because she did believe him. Her scientific mind may have balked for a moment. After all, it was in her nature, part of what she was. Even after all she'd witnessed over the last several years, her logical, rational view still tended to put up a fight whenever the illogical, irrational events of this vampire's existence interfered. She'd never had any reason to doubt him, and this was no exception. Besides, no matter how incredible this particular story sounded, the concern and fear on Nick's face as he'd relayed the tale had been enough to reassure her of his sincerity. His encounter with Andrew Fisher/Antonio Caproni had done a number on his already unsteady composure. Natalie could see the doubt tightening its grip on him, and it scared her to death.
Rising from the couch, she joined Nick at the hearth. His back was to her as he studied the flames. She put a gentle, reassuring hand on his arm and felt the muscles tense with the touch. The reaction did not deter her, however, and she continued the contact as she spoke. "Of course I believe it, Nick. I believe you." She paused, searching for an explanation for her reaction. "I'll admit it sounds more than a little fantastic, and it took me a minute, but I do believe you."
Sorrowful blue eyes turned in her direction, and Nat felt her heart lunge in her chest. She loved him so much, so very much. And with that love she wanted to soothe the unhappiness that bound him, to banish the doubt that she knew gnawed away at him. But it wasn't that easy. It was never that easy.
Nick covered her hand with his, the ghost of a sad smile lifting his mouth. "I know, Nat. I'm...sorry. I-- I'm just-- I don't know. I don't know what to think anymore."
"About what?" Natalie turned her hand in his, moved her fingers through his and gave a firm, encouraging squeeze.
She watched him look down at their joined hands and then close his eyes. She felt an answering pressure on her hand before he answered. "About a vampire's soul. About my chances."
"Chances?"
Opening his eyes, Nick gazed back into Natalie's face. "What if I've wasted my chances? I've gone to the light as a mortal and as a vampire. Both times I refused to accept it. What if I can't make it back?"
"Nick, what are you saying? Two strikes and you're out? You don't believe that, do you?"
"I don't know what to believe anymore. What if I don't want salvation enough to make it back to the light? What if the past year has resigned me to my fate enough to keep me from making it back to the light? What if my evil, my darkness, survives until it infects someone else?"
She didn't like the direction this conversation was taking. His questions made her nervous. The turmoil they revealed heightened her earlier fear. A fear that caused her patience to falter a little. "What if? What if? You can't go from day to day asking yourself what if, Nick. You do what you believe is right and let the 'what ifs' take care of themselves. That's all any of us, mortal or vampire, can do. Besides, you've made it to the light twice before. If and when the time comes, you'll make it back."
"I'm not so sure anymore." The solemn defeat in his voice all but drew a groan of pain from Natalie.
Her grip on his hand tightened. Further away. He was moving further away. She wouldn't let him go. She wouldn't. Her dread manifested itself in irritation when she responded. "This is ludicrous, Nick. You're talking as if death is some sort of an option. But it isn't, is it? I thought you'd made that decision already. The guide. Remember? You were going to live with the choice you made 800 years ago and go on with your life. You're going to obtain that salvation through life and the way you continue to live it. This isn't about death, Nick. It's about living."
"But if a vampire's darkness can't be destroyed even with his death, if his evil is that strong, what difference does it make? Life or death. Can salvation really be possible? Why bother trying?"
Natalie felt her heart drop to her feet. But as her anxiety over what she was hearing grew, so too did her resentment of Nick's attitude. She wasn't going to let him get away with it. She couldn't let him get away with it. Removing her hand from his, she took a step back, and looked him squarely and sternly in the eye. "There's evil in everyone, Nick, vampire and mortal alike. Vampires don't hold a monopoly on it. You don't hold a monopoly on it. You know that as well as I do. We see it everyday. It's the reason you became a cop. Remember? To battle our evil and yours. You have to keep trying to regain your humanity because it will help you to control the evil. If no one worked to control that dark part that's in all of us, this world would be an impossible place to live. It's a battle we all fight, Nick. It's one that you can't give up on."
His eyes fell back to the fireplace as he shook his head. "I know I don't have a monopoly on evil, Nat. But how many mortals do you know who have 800 years to make up for?"
Just as Natalie opened her mouth to answer, the phone began to ring. She thought for a moment he was going to let the machine pick it up, but as it rang a second time, he turned, walked to the phone and lifted the receiver.
She concentrated on the flames in the fireplace as she listened to the one-sided conversation.
"Hello." Nick's tone sounded characteristically subdued, considering his and Nat's subject of conversation only seconds ago.
"Jacob, hi." With the acknowledgment, his attitude brightened somewhat.
"No, I haven't forgotten. Tomorrow evening at 6:30. I'm looking forward to it."
That's right. It had slipped her mind. Nick, Jacob and Elliot were going to Peter and the Wolf tomorrow evening.
"Yeah. I'll see you then."
"Oh, is he still there? Sure. Put him on."
"Hey, little man."
Natalie's mouth curved into a smile at the warmth she suddenly heard in Nick's voice.
"No, I can't wait either. Sure. It's okay with me if you bring it. It's yours now."
"Okay. I'll see you tomorrow. Have a good day at school. Bye."
The next thing Nat heard was the sound of the receiver being put back in its cradle.
She left the fireplace and went into the kitchen where she pulled her coat from the back of a chair and put it on. She then moved to join Nick who still stood at the table behind the couch. A gentle touch of her hand on his arm garnered his attention. The faint shadow of a smile still danced around his mouth, and Natalie's spirits were lifted by the sight. "Eight hundred years is a long time, Nick. But I can't think of a better reason to keep trying to make it back to humanity than that little boy you just got finished talking to, can you?"
Leaning in and raising herself up on her toes, Nat placed tender, loving lips on his cool cheek. Just as she started to pull away, Nick caught her arms and pulled her closer, his mouth capturing hers in a more intimate embrace. The sudden move startled her for a second, but she quickly gave herself up to the caress, relishing the feel of his soft lips moving over hers. She answered his urgent demand and opened for his hungry invasion. It was heavenly. She didn't want it to end. But almost as unexpectedly as the kiss had begun, it did, unfortunately, end.
Nick lifted his head only enough to break the contact, his smoldering blue gaze burning into hers. Natalie's racing pulse fluttered slightly as he whispered, "I can think of one." Raising his head, he placed a light kiss on her forehead. With his lips still brushing her skin, he continued. "You're so much more than I deserve. Thank you, Natalie. Thank you."
The emotions that were whirling inside her at the moment stole Nat's voice. She could do nothing more than drop another quick kiss on his mouth, turn and walk into the elevator.
He watched her leave the loft, a dark look of desire on his face. But in addition to the desire, there was regret and sadness. What he'd said to her was true. True and painful. He didn't deserve her friendship, her caring...her love. But he didn't know if he could function without them. He would be completely and utterly lost.
Absentmindedly, he touched two fingers to his lips. They were still warm from the kiss he'd been unable to stop himself from stealing. It had been a dangerous overindulgence, but at the same time, it hadn't been nearly enough. The brief taste left him hungry for more. His only comfort came from knowing that he'd been able to keep the beast in check, if only by the thinnest of tethers.
A soft groan altered the silence in the room before Nick walked to the refrigerator, his desire for Natalie causing the thirst to rise fast and hot. The choices were three. The protein drinks, however, didn't even enter into the equation. He looked at the bottles of cow's blood and then at LaCroix's offering. Nat's enticing scent still hung heavily in the air while the taste of her lingered on his lips. He reached for the gift. As he pulled the cork from the bottle, his extraordinarily sharp canine teeth pushed into his lower lip. He tasted his own blood in the same instant the human vintage flooded his mouth. He swallowed deeply of the nectar and felt a shudder of fulfillment slide over him as the blood washed down his throat. It wasn't Natalie. Thank God. But it was human. The feeling was exquisite. The effect was water to a man lost for days in the desert, his parched throat crying out its gratitude for the relief.
Several long drafts and the edge began to dull, the need momentarily numbed. The beast was placated for now, or at least, manageable.
Nick replaced the cork and shoved the bottle back inside the refrigerator. The appliance vibrated with the force used when the door slammed shut. "Damn!" The timbre of his voice rumbled through the loft.
Running a rough hand through his hair, he looked back at the elevator door, the anger and disgust contorting his features with a heavy scowl. Once again, he'd blown it. He'd weakened. He'd lost the skirmish.
He continued to stare at the door. Natalie had left the loft unscathed by his inner turmoil. Well, she'd departed physically unharmed by his internal conflict. However, he knew she was concerned and frightened by his recent confessions of doubt, and tonight's story would only add to the emotional strain he was certain she felt. But as violently as his desire and hunger for her had overtaken him, he'd been able to control it. He hadn't taken her, hurt her. Surely that wasn't a loss?
But the blood. The human blood. He'd had a choice and he'd chosen wrong. That was a loss, a defeat. The beast cried out and he listened, relented, indulged. Even after telling Nat that she was a reason to keep fighting, he'd faltered, making his words seem shallow and meaningless.
He pulled himself up the stairs to his bedroom. The words did have meaning. They weren't just some convenient, trite syllables uttered in order to make an impression. Natalie was what he wanted, what he craved. She touched him in a way unlike any being, mortal or vampire, had ever done before. She meant more to him than he could possibly put into words. She was worth any sacrifice, any fight.
How long will you fight for something that you know you can never win? The inner voice taunted once again. Do you feel the fatigue of futility starting to set in? The battle can be maintained only when there is a belief that victory is possible. Your mortality is gone. This dream of regaining it is just that, a dream, a pathetic folly. And without that mortality, a life with Natalie is also nothing more than a dream. How long are you going to live in a dream world? When are you going to wake up and face reality? A reality that doesn't include happily-ever-afters with mortals.
Nick pushed open the door to his room and flung himself on the bed. Turning over on his back, he rested an arm across his weary eyes. The paralyzing voice of doubt pounded in his head. Mortality. It was a speck of light somewhere far off in the distance. And no matter how hard he struggled toward it, it remained just as distant. Only nowadays, that speck of light was harder to see. And sometimes, he lost sight of it all together.
If mortality was an unattainable dream, was redemption also beyond his reach? He'd died twice and passed up the opportunity both times in order to return and live as a vampire. Could a vampire obtain redemption through life? The only time it had been offered to him was at his death. But now, after what he'd learned of the fate of Antonio's soul, even the redeeming light at death was no longer a certainty. If he were to die, would he make it back to the light? Or would he infect someone else with his bloodthirsty nature?
He lowered his arm to his side and looked up at the ceiling, his vampire eyes taking in every little crack and crevice in the darkened room. As he scanned the surface, he was momentarily distracted by the diligent work of a spider. It was busy making a new home for itself in a corner next to the door, its legs and mouth moving in purposeful fury as it spun the silk. The tiny creature was intent on its task, making its own little place in the world.
Its place in the world. What was a vampire's place in this world?
With his own kind, perhaps? The insolent voice shot back.
Rolling over on his side, Nick drew his knees to his chest. God, he was tired. But it was much more than an exhaustion of the body. It was a weariness of the mind, of the spirit. It was the drain of more than one hundred years starting to settle over him. A slow siphoning off of faith as defeat piled upon defeat. The recent loss of a long-held belief, and the discovery of a heart-wrenching possibility. Everything was having its effect.
Nick closed his eyes. He could see the speck of light, barely. Concentrating on it, he willed it to become brighter. Natalie and Elliot were standing somewhere in the light, he knew, but he couldn't see them. As he continued to search for them, the light began to grow dim. The harder he concentrated on it, the dimmer it got until he could no longer see it.
Let it go, Nicholas. You no longer belong to the light. You belong to me.
The protege's eyes sprang open as he felt his master's words move over their link. The light is not within your reach, and never will be. Embrace what is within your power--your nature. It is your only true reality.
Tossing himself on his back once again, Nick slowly sighed his anguish. Again, his eyes fell closed. He tried to see the light, but to no avail. It was gone. He looked back to the corner over the door. The spider was still busily weaving its web, its home.
Home. He thought he'd made a home for himself here. His job. His friends. He'd grown close to everything about this most recent persona he'd created, the life of Nicholas Knight. When the time came, would he be able to leave it behind, move on? He'd come close not long ago, when his partner had been killed, but even as he had prepared to leave, he'd found the prospect almost unbearable. And in the end, when he'd decided to stay and face the tragedies of this life, he'd come to realize that staying had been the right thing to do after all.
Home. 'Home is where the heart is.' The ghost of a smile tugged at his lips as he recalled the saying. His heart was with Natalie. But... The smile disappeared. His reality was with LaCroix, harsh and unrelenting though it was.
And his life in Toronto? His life in Toronto was a 'plaything' according to Janette. But it was a 'plaything' he chose to take to heart. He remembered their words at the time.
"And what if we take these lives seriously?" he'd asked.
"Then we get hurt, Nichola. You know that. We get hurt." The solemn, almost pitying, look Janette had given him stung, as did her reply, the truth of it something he was not willing to acknowledge.
He did take this life seriously. And as before, in other lives, the involvement had caused him pain, the reality of what he was making any kind of normalcy impossible. He could get close to the mortals around him, but not too close. Not close enough.
"Nat," he whispered her name as he rolled on his side again.
His reality, the vampire, could not be overshadowed by the illusion he lived everyday. And his attempts to make that illusion his reality had all been failures, causing him more pain and disappointment.
And Natalie? What about the pain he had caused her over the years? His search for a cure was not only a disappointment for him. Nat's generosity and caring had led her down this never-ending, discouraging path as well. His pain and frustration were her pain and frustration.
He loved her. He had no wish to harm her. Walking out of her life forever seemed to be the only way he could stop hurting her as his belief in a cure continued to fade. But leaving would hurt her too. He recalled her wounded expression and bitter words the day she came to the loft after Schanke's death. The betrayal she felt had been a palpable thing between them. He didn't want to have to face it again.
But if he got out of her life, the grief over his leaving would lessen with time. She would move on, find a mortal man, have a normal life. She deserved a normal life.
This life is a thin illusion. The promise of mortality is a ridiculous lie. The light of redemption is a dimming mirage. You are a vampire. Accept it and set your tortured mind free.
Nick's eyes opened as his father's thoughts intruded again. "No." He whispered the response out loud while pushing back across the connection. Even as the doubt grew and the questions plagued him, he was not ready to give in to the call of his nature and his master.
A vampire. You are a vampire.
The statement echoed in his head. A vampire. A creature that lived forever. And tonight his belief in the eternity that stretched before him took on a whole new meaning and unwanted strength. He had seen this night that even death didn't mean the end for a vampire. Antonio had lived on somehow. He'd continued to exist and been able to infect a mortal with the disease of his soul. Nick could not allow that to happen. He could not allow his evil to soil the innocence of someone else. But that meant continued existence. And if mortality was impossible, it meant continued existence as a vampire. If release was not possible through either death or life, why maintain the struggle? Why not end the torment and live as he had chosen to live 800 years ago?
Why, indeed?
Nick's eyes slid shut as the exhaustion crept over him, the question running through his mind until the settling darkness took his thoughts.
LaCroix stared up at the ceiling for a moment before allowing his eyes to close. The triumphant smile that curved his lips revealed his jovial frame of mind.
Closer. He could feel his son moving closer. The knowledge brought with it a feeling paralleled by nothing he had experienced in almost 800 years. He was almost giddy from the anticipation. Oh, the boy was stubborn, and he would have to be patient. But, the boy was also exhausted and discouraged...and a little frightened too, by what he'd discovered tonight. As far as LaCroix could see, it was only a matter of time. Nicholas was questioning everything about his search for mortality, and the answers he was coming up with weren't very heartening.
Time. The smile grew wider. It would take nothing more than a little time. And of course, he had all the time in the world.
End Chapter 13